Saturday, January 29

Ending the "Honeymoon" phase of the relationship

My husband and I have been married for over two wonderful years and the honeymoon stage has ended. I'm happy that it has, we've kept the fun, romantic, whimsical parts but let the awkward, figuring out how to live with each other stage behind. We're comfortable together, whether it's moving around each other one night in the kitchen or just lounging around the house together. I've never been a get up before your husband to put on make-up woman but at the same time those first months and even years you figure out how to be comfortable and completely vulnerable at the same time. No make-up, hair not done and frizzy, in sweats with no socks not worrying about how I look and knowing he adores me anyway. While I still get butterflies when he grabs me unexpectedly and kisses me I don't expect that warm and fuzzy feeling everyday like I did when I was a newly wed. Most of those warm and fuzzy feelings aren't true or real expectations of what a relationship is anyway just Hollywood's way of making a good chick flick. Last night it occurred to me that is how your relationship with God is too.

Most of us Christians expect warm and fuzzy feelings to hit us every time we're in church, pray, study but that's just not a real relationship. The relationship with Him is just like the one we have with our spouse, children, friends it's one that has to be cultivated, worked on and it goes through it's own bumpy stages.

Sometimes when I pray I feel like I have to push myself, every minute is an hour and I'm not sure how to step forward. Other times I can't think about anything else at work then getting home, sitting down with my Bible and absorbing more knowledge from Him. Just like any relationship some days are easier than others. Some days we sit down to pray and God through the Holy Spirit reveals more than we ever expected about the next step, what we should be doing, what to pray for etc. Other days we hear nothing and wonder if something is wrong, are we too nervous, did we make Him mad...why aren't we hearing anything. Just because you're not getting warm fuzzies doesn't mean it's a bad thing, perhaps it's a good thing because just like my husband and I have walked out of the "Honeymoon phase" so have I and God.

Just like any relationship there are highs and lows. Maybe something happened and even though deep down you know God didn't do it you struggle with that because you don't see how He could of let something so horrible happen. I've gone through some crud and several times I remember laying on my bed, crying, begging God to help me understand "why me?". I came across a blog today that I've been following of a mother that lost her 8 year old daughter. She's struggling with her faith, and it touched me. I've never met her, just follow her blog online drawn to it for some reason. I have never been there, where she is in that dark place but I have struggled with my faith all be it probably on a completely different level. I pray for her, and hope whoever reads this will too. That in this time of darkness, God will grant her peace and hold her hand even though she may not be holding back. That instead of pulling away from God, she will come to cling to Him and know Him as her rock.

I'm glad to realize that the "Honeymoon" phase is over and how that is a good thing. We're maturing in our relationship together Matthew and I are. I'm maturing in my relationship with God. It's such a blessing to be at a new phase!

Sunday, January 9

The part that sucks...

So starting off the New Years in my family wasn't the fresh, clean, joyous event we all had hoped for. On Monday afternoon we found out my husbands great aunt and grandma had been in a car accident. His aunt passed that evening, his grandma was flown to a hospital in Dallas where she joined her King Friday evening. The last week has been a blur even for me, I can't begin to comprehend how it has been for those directly involved. A year ago November I saw my mom grieve a dear friend.

I don't think there is anything that can be spoken to prepare someone for this period in your life where you begin to see people go. IT SUCKS! While part of me is happy because I know the people that have gone have known Jesus and been followers of Him so are now with Him, perfect, dancing with the King of kings and Lord of lords. I'm also sad that I'm now old enough to see people go that are more than likely emotionally close to me. THIS SUCKS! I'm sure there is a better word than sucks but that is the one that first comes to mind!

This is the part of adulthood that no one tells you about, no one can prepare you for and that totally and completely sucks! The one thing that I do know is in the darkness that comes after you have had a great lose the only one that can possibly bring light is God. He is your rock and your fortress, He is the one that will bring comfort into your heart when nothing else will do!

Sunday, January 2

When did I become an ADULT?!

I've debated the last several days if I'd write a blog entry for the new year and if so what would I say, most I've read (I often blog surf, my husband says I blog stock) review goals for the new year. I think I will too of sorts, it's a good place to be held accountable...if anyone reads it.

Goal 1
The goal I've had for years now is to lose weight. I've changed it to get healthy. I've been on diets with my mom since I was 12, when she was on one so was I. I've done Weight Watchers, calorie counts, Atkins, Low Carb-South Beach, no sweets etc. I've always had difficulty loosing weight, my mom would drop 30 lbs. and drop two pants sizes, I would drop 30 lbs and not see any difference except in my fingers and toes. Talk about discouraging, I know everyone is different but give me a break! So I've decided to just focus on health, I know weight will drop when I do this but I don't care about my pants size anymore I care about making God proud because i'm finally treating my body as the temple he instructs me to treat it as. My goal is to learn better portion control to the point someone could wave a chocolate bar in my face and I wouldn't touch it. To see sweets as treats not three times a day necessities. I'm also planning on hitting the gym at least 3 times a week if not more for at least 30 min a time with my husband. No more whining and making him drag me (note: I've asked my husband to drag me, he loves me exactly as I am and wouldn't say anything if I didn't ask him to) but being excited to go knowing I'm getting healthy!

Goal 2
Stay disciplined in the small things as well as the big ones. It's finally hit me that I'm officially an adult and better start acting like one, being more disciplined in taking care of myself. That means flossing everyday, taking my vitamins, putting my clothes away and picking up after myself. Ugh...when did college end?

Goal 3
Pray without ceasing. I want to be so tuned in with God and the Holy Spirit I talk with them through out the day. I'm in a state of prayer while doing things that I don't need brain power for (coping, scanning, filing). I use my lunch breaks to read the Bible or encouraging words from other pastors and am so in love with God people notice the change in me and how I handle myself.
I used to get called an old soul a lot when I was a kid because I'd listen and normally say something no one ever expected from me because of my age. I was quite, a leader, teachers pet. Some where along the way of trying to find out who I was I lost some of that quite goodness. I want to be someone that people respect, look up to and turn to for advice. I don't want to say anything people will role their eyes at. I'm not sure if that's really something people do but I want to refocus to be quite until I have something good to say.

Goal 4
Obey God! Don't worry or fret, take one day at a time and live in His light where I have peace and joy! If something bad happens I want to turn to God first always instead of freaking out or starting to cry. Whether that "bad" thing is car trouble, money issues, death...whatever I want to be so focused on God that doesn't distract me or overtake me but instead I turn to God in prayer seeking Him in all things.

Goal 5
Organize but not to the annoying point my husband wants to get out of the house because I'm not fun to be around. I'm a little OCD, I like things clean and neat. If I had the money or resources my closets would look like Martha Stewarts, I'd have a label maker and everything! The thought of that makes me happy, a little giddy. It also has in the past driven my husband nuts and to the point he wants to leave and come back when I'm done because I'm not fun to be around. Part of it is I don't have the money to make things look like I want them but that shouldn't affect me! I can still organize and I'm creative so I can use things that I've got. So my goal is to organize while having fun. NO MORE STRESS

Goal 6
Blog more, not sure if I want to do it everyday but maybe every week, after my bible time on Saturday mornings sound good, or Sunday nights before my prayer time.

Now to focus on keeping all these, I know I can as long as I stay determined. No more flaking out, no more brushing it off letting myself get away with stuff. I'm not in college any more. I'm married, I'm an adult it's time to start acting like one and taking care of myself like God would want me to. Off to spend some personal time with God! Until next time if anyone is listening...