Friday, June 29

June

As this month quietly closes up I'm grateful the Lord has been faithful. Through each event and there have been several He has given my husband or I the peace to push through. June is always a hectic month for us, we have six birthdays and father's day all in June. After this year we take that to only five. Birthdays unfortunately went by the wayside this year. Being 14 weeks pregnant and having everything crashing down around me, I know God was the only one that could of gotten me through. In the same day I found out my grandpa was dying, my mom needed to have another diagnostic mammogram and my husband needed to be tested for a genetic trait because I tested positive for it and it could of affected the baby. Less than a week later we got the email from our landlord stating our lease is up and we need to resign or move and our car's check engine light came on.

Being pregnant I couldn't have a glass of wine at the end of a rough week or even overeat with comfort food...it makes me sick. Ugly crying was out as every time I started to cry that hard I almost threw up. My husband thinks me being pregnant through the whole thing was a giant blessing...I had to process everything as it came with the Lord properly. No being stupid. I just couldn't. So with each new wave of stuff I cried out to God. While we still have some unanswered things that we continue to strive to listen to God for (money to move if we are supposed to or mold control if we are to stay here and money to fix the cars) through all of it He's been with me. I start to cry with every song that comes on about salvation because it's what gives me hope I'll see my grandpa again. I've realized his death is just the first of many I'll come to experience and that I've been blessed to not have been touched by it until 25.

I've come to realize that I can't always be there for everyone and trying to is just to much. Being pregnant has slowed me down and made me realize my body can't handle that type of emotional output any more. Being around family for one weekend took me two days to recover.

Waiting for test results to come back for my mom has never been easier when I'm also waiting to see if my baby is okay. I had to trust in God or at least try. I had to believe in healing or at least speak it out and hope in Him. I didn't see any other option and I'm thankful the Holy Spirit guided me to that conclusion. Both the baby and my mom are okay. My mom will need a check-up in 6 months just to double check everything is good. As each thing has been taken care of, looking back I know God will continue to present a solution to us for everything that comes. Two weeks after his 81st birthday my grandpa went to be with Jesus. It was quite and painless and in his sleep. Now his mind and body are whole and it's not goodbye forever, just for now. Thank you Lord for your promises!

With each thing that came my husband reminded me, He wouldn't let anything through that we couldn't handle. As I look back I wonder how we pissed off the devil and what big thing is next. I've learned every time we are attacked all at once there is a breakthrough waiting for us. Perhaps this one is simply us learning how much more we can handle and overcome. Spiritually, emotionally I feel stronger, older. I welcome July and usher June out quickly. Glad it is over. Thankful for a few days off to process everything. Grateful the Lord is ALWAYS faithful!

Sunday, June 17

So many things

1. I am so blessed and happy to be 13 weeks pregnant. It's our first, due December 22. While the first several months haven't been easy I know it's all worth it and looking forward to all the snuggles and smiles ahead with my little one!

2. Frustrated. Beyond actually, more into royally  ticked off. My grandma has gone to the same church for 32 years and with my grandpa on his death bed no one from that church has called or come by. I called the pastor thinking it was the right thing to do, my grandma probably wouldn't and it was something I could do to help. Nothing, he was rude and completely unfeeling. For a body of Christ to not  be supportive and surround her with love breaks my heart. To think I spent 19 years in that body and respected so many of the members, within the last week that has all gone out the window. When it comes down to it I'm not even angry, I'm more sad for every person in that body because they aren't being a body as Christ wanted them to be. Caring, there for one another, supportive. I'm praying for them because that's all I can do. Don't get me wrong I had those moments where I'd love to call the pastor back and shout but it would be disrespectful and wrong so instead I pray that hearts will be changed and minds opened to be more loving and supportive.

3. I've had all four of my grandparents an hour away or less for the last 25 years. They have always been there, birthday parties, holidays, and the random visit. I remember going over to my mom's parents all the time growing up. They have always lived about 20 minutes away. My dad's parents an hour or so on the coast. I realize now how rare that is to have all four so close, to have all four alive. It's something at times I've taken advantage of. It's something I often forget how precious it is. The only down side, is when at 25 you are finally faced with loosing one it's that much harder. Watching my grandpa, my mom's dad slowly leave this life almost fighting it even though he's not strong enough any more is heart breaking. I have this precious life inside me, another generation, and yet I feel so empty. What's even harder than the pain I, myself feel is watching my mom and grandma go through it. They've been married for 61 years. He's 81, she's 80. They married after 3 weeks of knowing each other. Both from different backgrounds. My grandma was raised poor...dirt poor. With only an 8th grade education she went to work in a dinner while her family picked whatever was in season in the orchards to make a living. Her money wasn't her own but the families for survival. She's strong and fit at about 5'4 she comes up to my chest. I out grew her in middle school. Her wavy short hair, beautiful clean complexion wouldn't tell you that she spent so much time as a kid in the sun. She still walks for miles every morning and does devotions for hours. She prays for the family. Regardless of whatever down falls she may have, to me even though we don't agree on theology she's been a pillar of faith I've looked up to. My grandpa wasn't poor, he wasn't raised rich either but a good solid middle American family. He was President Truman's paper boy. As a young man in the Army he was recognized by the President and invited over with some of his buddies for coffee. I'll always remember that story, he told it with such pride. Knowing us grand kids thought it was cooler than anything we had heard yet. Some day I'll show his picture to my kids and tell them that story. Pass a little of the grandpa I know and love so much on to them. My grandpa was always there, he didn't talk to often but when he did you knew in his own way he cared so much. I remember how he'd bop me on the butt or the top of the head with his Bible when he saw me at church on Sundays. How he'd sit in his little room we called it watching JAG, Walker Texas Ranger, westerns and golf tournaments. You would join him, sit in silence watching until he'd ask you a question. Usually something along the lines of how was school, how are your grades, etc. He was known to pay for A's, he stopped paying me after he realized the straight A's weren't going to stop. I always smiled at that, I enjoyed knowing he was proud of me. They had a big house on a decent chuck of land for most of my life, we'd have church picnics there. My grandpa would always get out the ice cream machine, the old crank one. Grandma would have the ingredients ready, he'd mix it and take it out. Stand around with some of the guys drinking beer and let us kids take turns turning it. My grandma would let us have a lick off the beater once it was done. I always felt safe around grandpa, his strong build. Grandma showed us all a picture of him in his 20's once, I think he was still in the army at the time. He looked like Captain America. The doctors have said 3-4 days. It's been 5, grandpa is stubborn, strong I think it will take longer. I told him yesterday we'd take care of grandma, he didn't need to worry about that anymore. He's had Alzheimer's for the last 5 years or so. I used to send card addressed to him by his first name, the papers say you shouldn't confuse them it gets them too excited. So I didn't. Yesterday when I sat with him for several hours I called him grandpa. I needed to. I'm not sure how much he understands anyway and I know he'd be okay with that, he'd understand. I'm grateful I know he's going to be with Jesus and that this isn't goodbye for ever but simply good bye for now. While it softens the pain it hasn't taken it away. God has granted me His joy through this time, His peace. Its enabled me to be strong, to keep the tears back for a bit. Now they flow, unable to stop at times. I'm sad my kids won't be able to know him. Won't be able to play, to run in the house and hear grandpa holler at them to stop. But they'll get to meet him someday and while I want that day to be a very very long time from now, I am grateful of the Lord's promises we'll see them again. He'll be perfect soon, his mind restored, his body complete. There isn't going to be a memorial service or a funeral. My grandma doesn't want one. So perhaps I'll create my own to say goodbye, eating his favorite ice cream. So grateful I've had 25 years with him.