Sunday, July 29

Preparation

Right now in this time we are preparing for so much. We sit and wait and prepare for our little boy. We buy clothes, toys, diapers, all the necessities. We look to the Lord for the wisdom and guidance in raising him. My husband and I both are comfortable with babies, it's the raising them to become strong men and women of God that overwhelms sometimes. So we start now. We look at how our parents raised us and talk of adjustments to try and improve on what they've done. We pray over our little boy even before conception. We take these nine months to prepare. 



At the same time we continue to prepare for that next step God has for us in ministry. I married my husband knowing he was called into ministry and knowing that accepting his proposal was taking that life on, that calling on as well. At times it's been challenging but it's also been one of the biggest blessings. Over the past year plus we've both felt we're in preparation mode. The church we attend hasn't felt home for us. I realized the other night I haven't felt at home in the state I've lived since I was four for the past several years. God's been preparing us, slowly steadily changing our hearts and preparing us for His ultimate plan. I remember the day we stood on the pier overlooking the Puget Sound, just engaged and knowing in my heart so deeply this wouldn't always be home. Matthew has felt the spirit of change recently. We both finally felt release to look for a ministry position and after much prayer have taken the leap of faith and applied for a position we believe is right for us. The past two years looking back I see God's hand all over every part of our lives. 



In my study tonight I ready James 2:1-4. It jumped off the page at me, almost as a gentle reminder from the Lord, when you get into that position of ministry be careful to treat everyone the same. How easily it is to speak to the students that are outgoing and easy to carry a conversation with or the students that reach out to you. How careful do we have to be to not treat those "preacher's kids" differently. Matthew and I both have a heart for those that aren't always on the "in" crowd. We were both there once ourselves so we notice those kids more easily. Even with the best intending kids, groups will form. It's part of our society and our nature, finding those that we are most comfortable with and then closing in. As those friendships begin to grow deeper we forget to include others and often times unknowingly begin to leave others out. I've seen the hurtful effects countless times over the past year of being involved in the youth group of our current church. I see it even in the adult groups. As leaders, as a future pastor's wife the example I set, the things I do will be scrutinized. While some expectations I may be held to may not even be fair there are things I'll have to hold up. As we continue to prepare for a full time ministry position, as the Lord continues to prepare us I am so grateful that he opens my eyes to versus like James 2:1-4 and I pray He will continue to do so. I desire to lead by example to the best of my ability and treat every child that comes across our path equally regardless of family circumstance, personality or abilities.

While we are still in the waiting to hear back mode we've been trying to find a healthy balance of looking forward and getting excited about a possible move at the same time not wanting to get ahead of ourselves. Whether it's the job we applied for or another one the Lord leads us to I know it will include a move and for the first time looking at all that surrounds us I won't miss it. If you would of told me five years ago as Matthew and I were just dating I would be moving I would of been in tears. Today, not one. Family of course will be hard to say goodbye to but at the same time moving on to what the Lord has next for us is so exciting. So much peace has covered this thought. Now it's just praying when that time does come our families will be as prepared for it as we are. So much preparation.

Monday, July 9

Waiting has to be the hardest part

Okay so I can't write long or even write all I want to about how faithful God has been. Let's just say every need that has come up has been met and those that haven't well I know in time listening to God they will be. Now I just need patience and lots of it as I still have a little over half of this pregnancy to go before I'm able to meet my little guy. I can't wait! Okay I can, I just wish I didn't have to. I think I've felt him moving several times now. Being a first time mom, I'm not a hundred percent sure but they say it's like little butterflys and I've definately felt that. Not all the time and usually days apart but when I do I can't help but slow down, smile and enjoy every second that I can feel him in there. Every time I see newborn photos I get slightly jealous as I so wish he was in my arms already! I know that first snuggle with him will be amazing, so joy filled and I look forward to it with everything I am! Now just 6 more months of being faithful, having faith that God will provide a way for me to take more than 4 weeks off with him. Still waiting to hear from the Lord about a ministry job for my hubby and where we should apartment hunt or if we're meant to stay where we are for another year. I could use a relocation but would be happy to stay in WA for another little bit. I'll go where ever He leads, and so grateful that He's taking care of my little one. So look forward to December 22 or the weeks around there. Oh how much I want to hold him already! Patience is the hardest part!!

Sunday, July 1

My small fry

As I prepare to welcome my little son or daughter into this world months from now I realize how important it is to me to offer everything I can to them. My husband thinks I'm a little silly, the fuss I make over the lack of a nursery we can make in this two bedroom apartment. He points out how it's more for me than the baby as he/she will never remember what it looks like, only pictures will ever capture it. It's an issue I've spent the last couple of days struggling with, I've made it to big in my head. I've let it take over too much of my thought life, one more thing to lay down before the Lord to let Him work on me. I realized the biggest thing in life I can offer to my child is knowing, loving and being transformed by God. Striving to constantly live a life that will be an example to them of how much He loves us, how much I love Him and how necessary and essential a relationship with Him is. All the things melt away when I think of this, nothing else matters but growing my relationship with Him so this little one can see Him in everything I am and do. I desire to love so deeply my child will be able to better understand the depths of God's love by seeing how my husband and I interact. How we show our love to him or her. Six months seems like such a sort time to get better at that. The last few months I've failed in so many ways. Grace, how much I owe to Him for his Grace. So many debts I can never pay. So thankful that even in my shortcomings He still loves! So excited to share that with my little small fry, to teach of His grace, mercy, love and strength. Sometimes I have a hard time comprehending them all myself and yet in this moment I know when the time comes the Holy Spirit will speak through me, will work in the gaps I leave. One of the biggest prayers I continue to pray over this child is the verse, if you raise him/her up in the way they should go, they'll never depart from it. So while I still get upset occasionally about the lack of nursery, the lack of special space for this little one we are able to carve out in the end God continues to remind me that is the last thing that matters. To set aside my pride of having a well decorated and put together home and focus on Him in those moments when the little things overwhelm me. Everything else will fall into place, it always does when my focus and intentions are right. So grateful for His grace and mercy.