Sunday, July 1

My small fry

As I prepare to welcome my little son or daughter into this world months from now I realize how important it is to me to offer everything I can to them. My husband thinks I'm a little silly, the fuss I make over the lack of a nursery we can make in this two bedroom apartment. He points out how it's more for me than the baby as he/she will never remember what it looks like, only pictures will ever capture it. It's an issue I've spent the last couple of days struggling with, I've made it to big in my head. I've let it take over too much of my thought life, one more thing to lay down before the Lord to let Him work on me. I realized the biggest thing in life I can offer to my child is knowing, loving and being transformed by God. Striving to constantly live a life that will be an example to them of how much He loves us, how much I love Him and how necessary and essential a relationship with Him is. All the things melt away when I think of this, nothing else matters but growing my relationship with Him so this little one can see Him in everything I am and do. I desire to love so deeply my child will be able to better understand the depths of God's love by seeing how my husband and I interact. How we show our love to him or her. Six months seems like such a sort time to get better at that. The last few months I've failed in so many ways. Grace, how much I owe to Him for his Grace. So many debts I can never pay. So thankful that even in my shortcomings He still loves! So excited to share that with my little small fry, to teach of His grace, mercy, love and strength. Sometimes I have a hard time comprehending them all myself and yet in this moment I know when the time comes the Holy Spirit will speak through me, will work in the gaps I leave. One of the biggest prayers I continue to pray over this child is the verse, if you raise him/her up in the way they should go, they'll never depart from it. So while I still get upset occasionally about the lack of nursery, the lack of special space for this little one we are able to carve out in the end God continues to remind me that is the last thing that matters. To set aside my pride of having a well decorated and put together home and focus on Him in those moments when the little things overwhelm me. Everything else will fall into place, it always does when my focus and intentions are right. So grateful for His grace and mercy.

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