Tuesday, December 3

Scatter Brains and Bad Grammer

The end of November and into January will be a whirlwind of events. We got our tree up and most of our Christmas shopping done. It was great! We have four birthdays in January (my mom, hubby, little boy, and hubby's brother) right after Christmas which means I get to shop even more on black friday than most, to get bday presents for them. So much fun!

Chores and stuff around the house are being neglected like no bodies business. Instead we're choosing to spend time chasing our little boy and attempting to read to him while he tries to eat the book. I am definitely not as good as I should be about reading to him, mainly because of the book eating...hoping that tapers off with age sooner than later! 

My little bro has been amazing at cleaning up my moms house. I went down on Saturday and in between getting info written down for my mom and paperwork helped a bit cleaning things up. 20 plus years in a place you can accumulate a lot. It should motivate me to clean but it doesn't...go figure.

It's been a huge blessing to both of us, how much everyone around my mom and us have offered to help in various ways. One of those things that makes you feel loved like never before when family and friends step in and take over in certain ways so you don't have to worry or even think about things in ways. It's always in these moments you realize how good of friends and family you really have!

I still find myself wishing my mom would of found that guy that adored her and remarried. I found someone so great that loves me so much. I wish she would of known that, of found that. Things would of looked different now if that had been the case. Then again that would of come with it's pros and cons. Maybe it's easier with just little bro and I, maybe not. I'll never know. (Disclaimer: When I say it's just my little bro and I, that doesn't mean family and friends aren't helping out a ton, cause they are! We couldn't do it without them!! I just mean there isn't a spouse involved, that's changed things. I came to realize this a couple weeks ago as I was filling out the yards of paperwork disability calls for and it kept mentioning spouse or dependents...my mind continues to go there)

Today I'm home taking care of the little one as hubby feels under the weather and making dozens of phone calls to get all the info I need for mom's various paperwork. It's hard to have personal convos at work. I've learned taking a day and trying to get all the phone calls out of the way at home can be the best. So waiting for offices to open, little boy still asleep and have the Christmas tree for company, I write the random thoughts that are my brain today.

Wednesday, November 27

I don't know what to say

There where so many times before I wouldn't know what to say. Someone was going through the journey of seeing a loved one die and I got uncomfortable because by the grace of God I hadn't faced that yet. I didn't know what words would hurt more or if anything I said would help. All I knew to do was offer a hug or multiple and a destraction if needed. I'd act like a fool if that'd get a smile or laugh, if that's what they needed.

Within the last two years, this is the second time it's hit. My grandpa passed while I was pregnant with James. It was expected to some degree. He was 80 and had been battling Ahleizmers for years. In some respects it was a relief because my grandma cared for him and it was getting rough on her. While it hurt and was hard being the first person in my family that I had relationship with to have ever lost, peace came quickly. I know he's with Jesus and all is well. The hope of being a Christian says its not goodbye forever, just for now. Oh and my little boy got his blue eyes. I prayed for that when he left us, that God would give me a little reminder of grandpa in my son. My prayer was answered.

This is so much harder. In many respects that's to be expected. It's my mom, she's only 52 and it came on so suddenly. She was diagnosed with terminal cancer the first week of October and it's gotten bad quickly. My little brother and I are it for getting stuff done and taking care of her. Its a blessing in some respects and it also makes it harder. Never having done this before brings challenges beyond the emotional pain. The paperwork, the medical, the bills. While it's confusing to waid through it's easy compared to the emotional side of things. If I can lock my emotions in a box and bury myself in the paperwork it almost makes it easier. Some are like me before, they don't get how you move forward, how you do it every day. Let me tell you there are days I'd rather crawl back under the covers and not come out. That feeling is so contrary to who I am. It's almost a little scary how easily that thought creeps into my mind almost every morning. How many tears I try and shed quietly on the bus in the corner looking out the window because my mind goes there. You get up and move forward in many respects because you have to. People depend on you so you put one foot in front of the other and move. Your movements may not be as coordinated, you may not be as well spoken but you find a level of functioning that you can muster and do it. Then you do it because you know the person facing mortality wouldn't want you to be sad all the time, wouldn't want you to stop living, wouldn't want you to stop laughing and smiling. By the grace of God I'm striving to find joy in the little things and rest in Him so the peace will wash over me. I know the only way I'll remain strong and come out the other side of all this when everything is over stronger than I started is if my faithfulness continues in Him. This doesn't mean the pain won't ebb and flow and the tears won't come but when they do the relief you get will be complete and full because you're getting it from God. Going through all of this I now relize there isn't anything good to say. It SUCKS, the end. There are things better than others but nothings perfect and no words anyone can offer will help to relieve anything. The only thing that truely helps is Him.

What I've learned by going through this:
1. Hugs help, but don't go in assuming someone wants one. Sometimes hugs can bring on more tears and the person wants to avoid that. So offer but wait until they accept.

2. Sometimes saying this sucks and leaving it at that is better than saying I'm sorry. I'm trying to retrain my mind, I'm sorry is for when you've done something you shouldn't have. No one gave my mom cancer (well technically some company who didn't care about the side effects of what they where doing but that's another story). Not to mention sorry just gets really old to hear. (my husband is shaking his head yes at this point because I say it alot).

3. The biggest help for me so far has been distractions. My mind naturally goes there ALOT. I know people mean well but sometimes the best thing is to be goofy, crack jokes and live life with smiles whenever possible. Asking how things are going doesn't always help, sometimes you don't want to talk about it. If I answer fine, it's probably not because I'm really fine but because I have no desire to rehash what's going on for the bazillionth time. I don't mean to be mean, or sound harsh. I know you care and are asking because you want to help. I love you for that!

4. If you offer help chances are the person won't think of it or won't ask. I know I haven't. In the moment I can't think of who has offered what. I'm overwhelmed and trying to find a balance or work, time with my little boy and husband continuing life and moving forward at the same time of taking care of my mom and spending what could very well be the last time...I just don't know. So if you'd like to do something just do it and surprise me or whomever in your life is facing this. Or offer it to their spouse or someone that is close to them that will actually remember.

5. Oh and I'll apologize now if I've told you the same thing 6 times, I am not remembering who I've told what to. Too much is going on for my mind to remember that to. I love you and am sorry you get to hear the same thing over and over. Don't be afraid to politely tell me I've already told you.

6. Most importanly pray! Being covered in prayer is one of the biggest blessings you can offer someone. I've learned alot about myself so far going through this, some of which I don't like. I swear a little more which I really need to stop. I don't pray myself often enough and I haven't been to church in weeks. Not because I don't want to but because that's when it's been best to go visit my mom. Being covered in prayer by those that love me is a comfort and I know and believe those prayers are working!

Maybe these things are just me, maybe they are the majority of people that go through this but these are the things that I've taken out of it so far that I plan to do in the future when someone tells me they are going through a tramatic, horrible experience like this.

Wednesday, November 6

So I put my faith in God and pray for a miracle.


I’ve wanted to write for some time now. I haven’t partly because of time and partly because I don’t know how to get everything out properly. There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Some great, some not so great, and some downright heart wrenching oh did I mention all in the month of Oct/Nov. I’m leaning on God like never before, depending on his strength more than I knew possible.

First the great! My little boy knows how to say Dad and is getting there on the mom part. Dad is a stay at home dad so it’s only fair he learns Dad first. He’s ten months and thriving! My hubby and I celebrated five years in late October. They haven’t all been easy but they’ve all been ours. I love him more each day, and each day he shows me a love so unconditional its mind blowing. Since we’ve had our little boy I’ve seen more of the love of God through his relationship and love for our little boy than ever before. I got a new job of sorts. I was re-classed, which means I get a new title, higher pay but the same body of work. It also means I get to work with some awesome folks day in and day out. So grateful!

The not so great….our car was broken in to, the windshield cracked, oven broke, ate out way too much. You get the idea. Those days when things break down and you wish you had the budget to fix it all without cringing. Those moments when you’re constantly reminding yourself you depend on God for provision not your own doing. You stand on His promises to provide for you, trust in him, and have to repeat that over and over to yourself in order to be okay.

Heart Wrenching…in one month’s time we found out my mom has cancer. It’s a nasty form of cancer that the medical professionals have deemed incurable and put expiration dates to. I’m 27, my mom is 52. Never did I think I’d be facing this at this age. We all know life ends, we all know caring for parents as they age is in our future but never did I imagine my little brother and I would be faced with it at this age. The last weeks have been filled with dr. appointments, phone calls, prayers, tears, sleepless nights, stomach aches, etc. According to doctors it’s not if, it’s when this crap will take her life. I know God’s word says something different. I know He has the power to heal. I know His plans for our life are to give us a hope and future. Cancer, sickness, disease, bad isn’t from Him. The Bible tells me that. The Bible is the final authority in my life. He’s the beginning, the end, my all in all. Faith rises and sinks. Hope ebbs and flows. I know now is the time I cannot be shaken by what the world and doctors say, after all I believe in The Great Physician. It isn’t easy. There are days I stare at my screen at work trying to focus, with a knot in my throat and tears pooling. There are days I can smile and breath, it’s easier. There are days I completely ignore everything and get lost in to do lists. I know that if the worst happens I won’t blame God. It’s not His Fault. If the end comes without healing I have hope and peace that I’ll see her again even if I mourn not having her with me. I know those thoughts may be contrary to believing in healing. I know those thoughts may be something I shouldn’t let my brain go to but in an attempt to be perfectly honest my head does go there at times. It’s hard to avoid, those thoughts are hard to stop. I know regardless of what doctors say I have to continue to hope, to have faith and to believe in God’s healing power above all else. In the darkest hour it’s always Him that carries me through. It’s always Him that gives hope, joy and great peace. So I rely on Him, I let Him carry me through this. There is no road map for the road I’m on, no, “if this happens, then do this”. The world cannot give us that, and when it tried it causes more hurt, pain and destruction because it’s fallen and broken. God on the other hand can give a peace that transcends all. He can give a hope that goes beyond anything you can imagine. I refuse to let the world guide me. I stand on His promises. I rely on Him. In the moments when it seems all hope is lost or the dark is closing in much like today I pray. I continue to pray even when I don’t know what else to say because I know and the Bible promises me that as I draw near to Him, He’ll draw near to me and right now in those dark moments is when I need Him closer than ever. Today is one of the not so easy days. So I force myself to write because it helps. It forces me to declare what I believe; it forces me to remind myself what I need to hold on to. I read a blog today that hit too close to home. What she said is what I’ve been trying to say.

“i knew enough that God could heal him, but i knew enough that his cancer was very real and very horrific and that, short of a miracle, i was going to lose him.”

So I put my faith in God and pray for a miracle.

Saturday, July 27

Finding a New Groove



There are so many untold, not romantic, nothing like Hollywood stories that take place in a marriage. Some are awkward, others frustrating, most just down right funny. Hubby and I have had plenty of these, we'll hit five years in October and I'm sure we'll have plenty more. I think the hardest adjustment has been so far the first six months after James was born. We've always been great at communication, having almost two years of being best friends before dating/engagement/wedding helped that. We've always given each other the benefit of the doubt (key to any good marriage). We've shared and told each other the hard stuff, even when we knew it hurt the other because it was the truth. No secrets (except for each others birthday/Christmas gifts) is key. When James came along time, communication and sleep all seemed to fall into the giant black hole that is having a baby in the house.  You are so focused on caring for that little baby, you stop intentionally seeking out each other, caring for each other. This doesn't happen on purpose, with any bad intentions, it just happens. Along with making time to shower, eat, sleep, clean, you have to make time for relationship. You have to focus on your husband or wife and give even when you think it could be your last drip of energy. If each half of the marriage gives a 100% to the other half, both will get what they need. So after six months, a few tears, heated discussions (we don't really fight, or argue, just the occasional bickering followed by a long talk it out session) we are finding our new balance. Squeezing in time together to cuddle, talk, enjoy each other even if it means dishes don't get done or laundry is heaped in the corner of our bedroom. After all in years to come we won't remember the laundry or the dishes or even what we ate (cheesecake for dinner...bring it on...along with pepto). What we will remember are the laughs, hugs, smiles and good times. The pressure to be a perfect mom is out there, even if just sublimely not talked about, perhaps more in our own minds than actually existing. We have to redefine what perfect means in our heads. In mine it means time spent, laughter, hugs, sharing. James will know above all God loves and cares for him followed by mom and dad. He'll know grace and love because of how it's displayed in our home, which will help him better understand grace and love from God. I'll always dream for a dishwasher and a maid service but otherwise dishes be my guest, stack up. Laundry go for it, cover the laundry room and over flow from the baskets, laughter, smiles, good times I'll choose over you any time! Now just to remember I said this when the household stuff gets a little overwhelming. I'll have to print this out and stick it to the fridge. bahaha

Why I Do It

How has our society become so perverted that something God created and designed for something so innocent is looked down upon? Over the course of the last six months while exclusively pumping for my son I've read a lot, seen a lot. I've come to the conclusion that those mamas that breastfeed their babies in public are wonderful, strong, and trying to normalize something that should never of become not normal in the first place. While it can be uncomfortable to see a mama breastfeed in public it's not because it shouldn't happen it's because our society has perverted breast feeding. The breast is associated with sex in today's world. This makes me laugh, God gave almost every animal on the planet nipples so they could nurse their young. It's natural, what do you think Jesus got, it wasn't formula I know that much. God made breast milk to be perfect for babies, everything they need. Just like with anything man engineers while formula isn't harmful to babies, it's not the best. I'm not saying that mamas that give formula are bad on any level, we had to use it in the beginning. Don't go there. Sometimes while formula may not provide everything that breast milk does, it allows the mama to be her best self for the little one which makes that choice the best for that family. Today, modern technology has allowed more mamas to give their babies breast milk that otherwise wouldn't of been able to. I'm part of that group, thank goodness for a double electric breast pump. I can give my little boy the best stuff possible, when nursing didn't work for us. He had a bad latch, among several other issues which made nursing a struggle, incredibly painful, and downright exhausting.While pumping can be exhausting, time consuming, and not convenient it's the choice I've made to give my little boy the best I can. The benefits are overwhelming, I've listed some below as well as a few thinks that I've found to support it them. Next time you see a mama breast feeding in public, smile, give a thumbs up but please even if you disagree don't be that person to say something. Plus... is she really showing any more skin than what we are seeing in the high schools or on the beaches these days...

For mom it lowers the rates of postpartum depression, obesity, and cancer. It also helps to regulate hormones faster, and get your mama body back to a new normal (chances are it will never be like it was pre-baby).

For baby it lowers the rates of obesity (into adulthood), diabetes, cancer (in boys as well as girls), sickness (ear infections to stuff nose). It lowers the baby's rate of SIDS, and allergies. It also can increase their intelligence.

For your bank account. At six months we estimate we'd be spending upwards of $100 - $150 in formula. Breastmilk changes as your baby gets older so the amount your baby needs stops increasing at around six months and stays the same 28-36oz. Formula fed babies continue to need more and more. At times taking 8oz in one sitting. No wonder people think having a baby is so expensive these days! 

http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-breastfeeding-benefits-you-and-your-baby_8910.bc
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/baby/breastfeeding-9/nursing-basics
http://www.womenshealth.gov/breastfeeding/
http://www.lalecheleague.org/faq/advantages.html
http://www.who.int/features/factfiles/breastfeeding/en/
http://pregnant.thebump.com/new-mom-new-dad/breastfeeding/articles/11-things-you-didnt-know-about-breastfeeding.aspx?MsdVisit=1
http://kellymom.com/

Sunday, July 21

No longer in my chest or on my sleeve

My heart is no longer in my chest or on my sleeve, it is now crawling around my living room, sitting next to me, trying to crawl up me and grab my hair. My little boy has my heart and he doesn't even know it. Every day I fight to not fear, to not worry, to cast everything upon the Lord. It's even harder now than it was before because that little boy has it. As my husband cuddled up with him tonight on our couch I couldn't help but cry. Silly, but a knot had formed in my throat and crying was the only way to get it to go away. I'm constantly researching different things related to his stage in growth and development, trying to figure out in all the research and new parenting techniques which is the right way. Was our parents way right, or is there something new, something better, or perhaps just something more us. Make as few mistakes as possible. I want him to have all the things I didn't, all the opportunities we can provide, all the experiences we can give him. Most of all I just want his life to be focused on God, centered on God. For that I know one of the biggest things is we as parents have to display our faith, talk about it with him even now. I came across a mama that lost her baby, just short of five months today on one of the boards I follow. SIDS is what they have dubbed it to be. I've prayed multiple times since then to combat the fear the devil tries to rise up in me. That will not be my little boy, he is healthy and strong. God is his protector, defender, and provider. Thanking God for protecting us, guiding us, and keeping us healthy and strong. As a mother, the devil has a new way to access us. He can use new avenues to try and get us that we haven't yet been exposed to until now. The thing he will never understand is how fierce we can get for our children. As long as I breath, my little boy will always be bathed in prayer. It's one of the greatest gifts I can give him, praying for him always and forever with great faith! Tonight I know my little boy will be just fine, every night to come I know he will be okay. I know because of the faith I have in Jesus and the promises He has given me. I praise Him for those promises and that peace tonight! So grateful to have such a wonderful Savor, such a wonderful Friend.

Saturday, July 13

Six Months

He's getting so big, six months already. Where does the time go?!

A few milestones that he passed over the last couple of months, our little boy likes growing up! When we practice sitting with him, he pushes off with his legs trying to stand up. He gets frustrated when we have him sit back down. I don't think he'll be happy until he's running.

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March 16 – Sleeping through the night, somewhere around mother's day he decided that wasn't cool anymore... still trying to get him to sleep through.

May 3 – crawling/shuffling along

May 13 – First tooth broke through - have to find the photo we took...

May 22 – Holding his own bottle

June 9 - First Food (bananas)
July 7 - Top two teeth starting to come in
July 20 - First Swimming Pool experience

Saturday, April 6

The Next Generation

Alone I can't change much of anything but through Him, with Christ I can change everything. With a three month old son you start to look at things differently. You start to look at everything of how will it affect him, what will it do to him, how will it change him. Movies, T.V., music, everything goes under a microscope. Will I want him to watch this, hear this, repeat this. My words become that much more important. What will I pass on to him. What bad habits do I need to crush now so he doesn't inherit them. The fear, guilt, past that I don't want him to ever know. My hearts desire is to raise him as a strong man of God that doesn't fear or worry but instead turns to Him who provides. That my little boy would have such a strong relationship with God that he would never ever allow society to make him question his faith in God. So I have a small window to make changes in my own life before he is old enough to see and take on the same issues. I'm relying on God to help me make these changes and quickly! Each generation tries to improve on the one before. We take things from what our parents did and disregard others. Not out of disrespect but out of the constant desire to improve. I took a class the other day at work that talked about the challenges of having four generations in the workplace. It's never happened before. With it comes new issues and discussions. The biggest thing that hit me was I was in a room filled with people my parents age or older in a sense complaining about the flaws of my generation. I spoke up, I needed to make a point. Their generation raised our generation. They made the bed they know dwell in. Not saying generation y hasn't created enough of their own mess but we're shaped by who raises us and it's the baby boomers. It got me thinking about what generation y may be saying about my sons generation years from now.  The things that I was told that I will not repeat to him. How our world has changed from when I was raised to now raising him. These are a few things I want to pass on to him

1. Never take on the victim mentality. It doesn't do anyone any good. There may be things out of your control, but what is in your control is how you respond. Look to God and respond how you know He would want you to.
2. Your strong in Christ. You are a powerful man of God.
3. If you are following the Will of God you can do it because He is with you. If you're trying to go against Him and His Will for your life things will crumble. Find out His will for your life and do it.
4. God didn't and will never cause any pain, or bad. That's the evil in this world, it's fallen, the devil is at work and causes the evil and bad. God, if you let Him will always use it for good. Never blame God.
5. You are never alone, He is always with you. We are always praying for you.
6. We will always love you. We may not always like the choices you make, or support the things you do but our love for you is unconditional just like Jesus's love for you.
7. While we want to protect you and may try too hard to protect you even when you're older you have to make choices, decisions and mistakes on your own. There will come a time when we have to let go, know even when we let go, we are always here for you.
8. You will loose, whether it's in a business deal or a sports game. It will happen, not everyone can win in certain activities. Don't internalize that, take it too hard, beat yourself up for it. Instead learn from it, practice and improve.
9. You're tough! You can handle things because you have Christ to depend on. Someone may make fun of you, hurt your feelings, say something that is mean. Brush it off. God has a grand plan for your life, seek Him, follow Him, lean on Him. What others say doesn't matter, it's what He says that matters. Sticks and Stones...
10. Always choose God.

I refuse to pass on my fears to him. I refuse to let anyone in his life pass on their fears to him. I'm much more aware of people's words when he's in the room. What we do matters so very much more now than ever before.

Thursday, February 21

Love Deepened

The last seven weeks have gone by too fast. I am having a rough time knowing my little boy will continue to grow and the time will never slow down. Time has been blurred, hours, days, weeks have gone by and flowed together. The goals of having habits reestablished, spiritual lives deeper, the apartment organized hasn't happened as well as we'd hoped. Yet for most of those things I've stopped caring. I have my moments where not having accomplished those things overwhelms me but I know the moments, hours I spent cuddling on the couch with James I'll never get back and I'll cherish. So I find myself approaching the dreaded Monday when I'll go back to work part-time, working my way up to full-time. Part of me is ready, the other part will never want to go back. Over the past seven weeks what has touched me most and filled my heart to the point I never thought it could go, is seeing my husband interact with our son. I've come to believe there is a special bond between husband and wife when a child is brought into the relationship. There is something there, indescribable, a new level between the two of you. My husband has softened, opened up, brightened up since James was born. I doubt he'd admit these things but I've seen them first hand. Tonight he sat and talked to James while watching a baseball documentary, the love that exuded out I can't put words to. The past seven weeks have been hardest on him I think. I've had two infections that resulted in an urgent care visit and a gall bladder attack which resulted in two nights away from them spent in the hospital going through surgery. I scared us both when I asked him to call 9-1-1 when I knew something wasn't right during the gall bladder attack. It all has turned out fine, better than fine. The Lord has provided everything! My hubby has had restless nights, little sleep getting up with James when I couldn't, changing diapers when bending over and lifting our now 11 lb. baby has been too much for me. He's done it all with so much love that there are times it brings me to tears. Over the past seven weeks my love has grown deeper for him, respect, admiration has grown. It's all deepened, intensified. 

It can be overwhelming at times, the thought that this little life is your responsibility. The sleep deprivation can cause snappy attitudes and short tempers sure, you have to be careful to catch yourself, to breath, to communicate. I'm so thankful that we had four years of marriage before James came to establish communication, respect, honor. Having a strong foundation that God built has made the sleep deprivation easier, the short tempers short lived. As I sit typing this out, trying to put all the emotions I've had over the last seven weeks down so I can remember them forever the realization that it's all been a gift from God hits me. No not the sickness and issues, those aren't from Him. What is from Him is the provision of love, joy, comfort, peace, financial. Every good thing that has happened has been from Him. The special bond between me and my husband because we now have a son, it's all His doing. The new aspects I'm seeing in my husband and in myself are all from Him. I give Him all the glory for softening us up, calming us down, opening us up. The last seven weeks has been our Dad giving us wonderful gifts because He loves us so much! The list of provision has been long and wonderful. The grace is far more than I can comprehend. I've felt how much the Lord loves us these past seven weeks. Not only has my love grown for my husband, my son but also for my God!

Tuesday, February 5

January 2, 2013 my life was forever changed. I finally after 41 plus weeks of pregnancy got to meet my little boy, James. While the first five weeks haven't been as easy as I thought, they also haven't been as difficult as some said they would. Sure there has been frustration after little sleep but nothing that God hasn't shown us out of. The biggest struggle for me has been with breastfeeding. The desire for me to make sure James got the very best I possibly could give him has always been there. I don't not like formula but from everything I've read I know breast milk is best for both of us. The articles detailing all of the benefits are numerous. For the first couple of weeks I tried to nurse, but after two hour feeding sessions I threw in the towel. For the last several weeks I've been exclusively pumping. Most of the blogs and comments I have read talk about how hard pumping is, I think differently. It's probably just because James couldn't seem to get the hang of how to nurse and stay awake...kind of key. Now that I'm able to see how much I'm producing I've struggled to keep up with what he needs. We've been supplementing but with formula at $23 plus a tub I've been stressed. It's escaped me the past few weeks that God always provides! My husband has written a book (not published yet but I'm praying we'll figure out how to soon). While I'm on maternity leave I've been reading it and his third chapter is just the reminder I needed. If God provides for the birds, he'll provide for my little boy. Nursing is the way he created it, breast milk is so wonderful for a reason...cause God made it! It's why formula still to this day after generations of trying still can't compete. God is a God of abundance not of lack so I pray for supply to keep up with my little boy (or should I say not so little). I trust in God and rest in Him that He will supply and it will be through breast milk because that is the desire of my heart and I know I will receive it. It's the way he set out for us to feed our little ones, it's what's best for James, I know He'll provide.  (the black paint is photo shopped)

After only five weeks I'm already having to let go. Let go of all the worries the devil tries to overwhelm a new parent with. Let go of all the worries about lack. I trust God that everything will always be okay, better than okay! So after packing away his first three newborn outfits (did I mention he came out over done...9lbs 5ounces at birth) that don't fit today I know he'll be better than fine and I'll always have enough for him because God will always provide for him and for us. So grateful God has once again shown me the answer. To trust, relax and breath! Now to just remember these things for the next 18 years plus.