Thursday, February 21

Love Deepened

The last seven weeks have gone by too fast. I am having a rough time knowing my little boy will continue to grow and the time will never slow down. Time has been blurred, hours, days, weeks have gone by and flowed together. The goals of having habits reestablished, spiritual lives deeper, the apartment organized hasn't happened as well as we'd hoped. Yet for most of those things I've stopped caring. I have my moments where not having accomplished those things overwhelms me but I know the moments, hours I spent cuddling on the couch with James I'll never get back and I'll cherish. So I find myself approaching the dreaded Monday when I'll go back to work part-time, working my way up to full-time. Part of me is ready, the other part will never want to go back. Over the past seven weeks what has touched me most and filled my heart to the point I never thought it could go, is seeing my husband interact with our son. I've come to believe there is a special bond between husband and wife when a child is brought into the relationship. There is something there, indescribable, a new level between the two of you. My husband has softened, opened up, brightened up since James was born. I doubt he'd admit these things but I've seen them first hand. Tonight he sat and talked to James while watching a baseball documentary, the love that exuded out I can't put words to. The past seven weeks have been hardest on him I think. I've had two infections that resulted in an urgent care visit and a gall bladder attack which resulted in two nights away from them spent in the hospital going through surgery. I scared us both when I asked him to call 9-1-1 when I knew something wasn't right during the gall bladder attack. It all has turned out fine, better than fine. The Lord has provided everything! My hubby has had restless nights, little sleep getting up with James when I couldn't, changing diapers when bending over and lifting our now 11 lb. baby has been too much for me. He's done it all with so much love that there are times it brings me to tears. Over the past seven weeks my love has grown deeper for him, respect, admiration has grown. It's all deepened, intensified. 

It can be overwhelming at times, the thought that this little life is your responsibility. The sleep deprivation can cause snappy attitudes and short tempers sure, you have to be careful to catch yourself, to breath, to communicate. I'm so thankful that we had four years of marriage before James came to establish communication, respect, honor. Having a strong foundation that God built has made the sleep deprivation easier, the short tempers short lived. As I sit typing this out, trying to put all the emotions I've had over the last seven weeks down so I can remember them forever the realization that it's all been a gift from God hits me. No not the sickness and issues, those aren't from Him. What is from Him is the provision of love, joy, comfort, peace, financial. Every good thing that has happened has been from Him. The special bond between me and my husband because we now have a son, it's all His doing. The new aspects I'm seeing in my husband and in myself are all from Him. I give Him all the glory for softening us up, calming us down, opening us up. The last seven weeks has been our Dad giving us wonderful gifts because He loves us so much! The list of provision has been long and wonderful. The grace is far more than I can comprehend. I've felt how much the Lord loves us these past seven weeks. Not only has my love grown for my husband, my son but also for my God!

Tuesday, February 5

January 2, 2013 my life was forever changed. I finally after 41 plus weeks of pregnancy got to meet my little boy, James. While the first five weeks haven't been as easy as I thought, they also haven't been as difficult as some said they would. Sure there has been frustration after little sleep but nothing that God hasn't shown us out of. The biggest struggle for me has been with breastfeeding. The desire for me to make sure James got the very best I possibly could give him has always been there. I don't not like formula but from everything I've read I know breast milk is best for both of us. The articles detailing all of the benefits are numerous. For the first couple of weeks I tried to nurse, but after two hour feeding sessions I threw in the towel. For the last several weeks I've been exclusively pumping. Most of the blogs and comments I have read talk about how hard pumping is, I think differently. It's probably just because James couldn't seem to get the hang of how to nurse and stay awake...kind of key. Now that I'm able to see how much I'm producing I've struggled to keep up with what he needs. We've been supplementing but with formula at $23 plus a tub I've been stressed. It's escaped me the past few weeks that God always provides! My husband has written a book (not published yet but I'm praying we'll figure out how to soon). While I'm on maternity leave I've been reading it and his third chapter is just the reminder I needed. If God provides for the birds, he'll provide for my little boy. Nursing is the way he created it, breast milk is so wonderful for a reason...cause God made it! It's why formula still to this day after generations of trying still can't compete. God is a God of abundance not of lack so I pray for supply to keep up with my little boy (or should I say not so little). I trust in God and rest in Him that He will supply and it will be through breast milk because that is the desire of my heart and I know I will receive it. It's the way he set out for us to feed our little ones, it's what's best for James, I know He'll provide.  (the black paint is photo shopped)

After only five weeks I'm already having to let go. Let go of all the worries the devil tries to overwhelm a new parent with. Let go of all the worries about lack. I trust God that everything will always be okay, better than okay! So after packing away his first three newborn outfits (did I mention he came out over done...9lbs 5ounces at birth) that don't fit today I know he'll be better than fine and I'll always have enough for him because God will always provide for him and for us. So grateful God has once again shown me the answer. To trust, relax and breath! Now to just remember these things for the next 18 years plus.