I’ve wanted to write for some time now. I haven’t partly because of time and partly because I don’t know how to get everything out properly. There has been a lot going on in my life lately. Some great, some not so great, and some downright heart wrenching oh did I mention all in the month of Oct/Nov. I’m leaning on God like never before, depending on his strength more than I knew possible.
First the great! My little boy knows how to say Dad and is getting there on the mom part. Dad is a stay at home dad so it’s only fair he learns Dad first. He’s ten months and thriving! My hubby and I celebrated five years in late October. They haven’t all been easy but they’ve all been ours. I love him more each day, and each day he shows me a love so unconditional its mind blowing. Since we’ve had our little boy I’ve seen more of the love of God through his relationship and love for our little boy than ever before. I got a new job of sorts. I was re-classed, which means I get a new title, higher pay but the same body of work. It also means I get to work with some awesome folks day in and day out. So grateful!
The not so great….our car was broken in to, the windshield cracked, oven broke, ate out way too much. You get the idea. Those days when things break down and you wish you had the budget to fix it all without cringing. Those moments when you’re constantly reminding yourself you depend on God for provision not your own doing. You stand on His promises to provide for you, trust in him, and have to repeat that over and over to yourself in order to be okay.
Heart Wrenching…in one month’s time we found out my mom has cancer. It’s a nasty form of cancer that the medical professionals have deemed incurable and put expiration dates to. I’m 27, my mom is 52. Never did I think I’d be facing this at this age. We all know life ends, we all know caring for parents as they age is in our future but never did I imagine my little brother and I would be faced with it at this age. The last weeks have been filled with dr. appointments, phone calls, prayers, tears, sleepless nights, stomach aches, etc. According to doctors it’s not if, it’s when this crap will take her life. I know God’s word says something different. I know He has the power to heal. I know His plans for our life are to give us a hope and future. Cancer, sickness, disease, bad isn’t from Him. The Bible tells me that. The Bible is the final authority in my life. He’s the beginning, the end, my all in all. Faith rises and sinks. Hope ebbs and flows. I know now is the time I cannot be shaken by what the world and doctors say, after all I believe in The Great Physician. It isn’t easy. There are days I stare at my screen at work trying to focus, with a knot in my throat and tears pooling. There are days I can smile and breath, it’s easier. There are days I completely ignore everything and get lost in to do lists. I know that if the worst happens I won’t blame God. It’s not His Fault. If the end comes without healing I have hope and peace that I’ll see her again even if I mourn not having her with me. I know those thoughts may be contrary to believing in healing. I know those thoughts may be something I shouldn’t let my brain go to but in an attempt to be perfectly honest my head does go there at times. It’s hard to avoid, those thoughts are hard to stop. I know regardless of what doctors say I have to continue to hope, to have faith and to believe in God’s healing power above all else. In the darkest hour it’s always Him that carries me through. It’s always Him that gives hope, joy and great peace. So I rely on Him, I let Him carry me through this. There is no road map for the road I’m on, no, “if this happens, then do this”. The world cannot give us that, and when it tried it causes more hurt, pain and destruction because it’s fallen and broken. God on the other hand can give a peace that transcends all. He can give a hope that goes beyond anything you can imagine. I refuse to let the world guide me. I stand on His promises. I rely on Him. In the moments when it seems all hope is lost or the dark is closing in much like today I pray. I continue to pray even when I don’t know what else to say because I know and the Bible promises me that as I draw near to Him, He’ll draw near to me and right now in those dark moments is when I need Him closer than ever. Today is one of the not so easy days. So I force myself to write because it helps. It forces me to declare what I believe; it forces me to remind myself what I need to hold on to. I read a blog today that hit too close to home. What she said is what I’ve been trying to say.
“i knew enough that God could heal him, but i knew enough that his cancer was very real and very horrific and that, short of a miracle, i was going to lose him.”
So I put my faith in God and pray for a miracle.