Friday, February 21

The Sinking In

The last week has been hard. My little boy was sick and I couldn't call her to tell me everything was going to be okay. 
I missed her. 
I was sick and I couldn't call her and hear her voice telling me to drink more fluids, take more vitamins.
 I missed her. 
We didn't talk every week. We'd txt but not always call. I miss hearing the sound of her voice or being able to pick up my phone and txt her the recent pic of my little boy being his usual adorable self. 
I miss her. 

I miss the sound of her voice and way she smelled. I miss being able to go back to my childhood house and always know she'll be there. I miss those moments that only we shared. I miss the way her hand felt in mine, so slender yet so strong. I brought some of her clothes home with me, they are starting to loose her smell. I knew it would happen. She didn't wear perfume often it was just the smell of her deodorant mixed with laundry soap and a little hint of her shampoo I guess. It's just the way she smelled. I know it probably sounds silly but the fact that I won't be able to smell that years from now makes me sad. I don't know where the family videos went, I don't know if we have her voice anywhere on tape. I'm praying we find it somewhere because it already feels like I'm forgetting that piece of her. I've saved journals of hers so I'll always have her handwriting, a fun mix of cursive and print...her own unique combination. I still can't stomach to say that I'm momless out loud. I can say that she died, I can explain to people all the circumstances. I can talk about her but to think that just hurts. I know I'll see her again but it's just so far away. To not be able to walk into my childhood home and find her on the couch ready to hug my little boy brings me to my knees on bad days. I'll always remember the last time I laid my head on her and she wrapped her arms around me. The last time I held her hand as we both teared up and I told her it would be okay. Those moments hurt and help at the same time. This week was tough. I know next week will probably be better, tomorrow won't be filled with as many tears. The effort it takes to move through a rough day, move through a rough week I think that's why the bug I caught is holding on so long. The emotional exhaustion of pushing forward slogging through the rough days to make it to the better ones has my body down or at least that's what it feels like. So grateful today is almost over and tomorrow will bring laughs and hugs with my family. How I miss her hugs!
 

Friday, February 14

The Joy He Brings

The Bible tells us that if we believe in Him we grieve differently than the world. We have hope and faith that we'll see our loved one again, that this end is not our forever end.

In the past several weeks I have understood that to a whole new end. I have also forgotten that at times. I have learned in my walk with God that every day I must constantly remind myself of His promises, His plan for my life, His faithfulness. To that same end I've learned in this to I have to remind myself, to cleave to God and not let go or I begin to grieve like the world. I'm not saying I don't cry because I do but if I am constantly reminding myself of the promises of God, if I am in the presence of the Lord as often as I should be the ache and pain of loosing my mom is not felt. God removes the pain, He takes away the bad, and softens the memories of how hard it was the week after she passed and opens up my heart to remember the happy. He has given me the gift of smiles and laughter so soon after loosing her by truly taking the sting of death away. Its only when I forget His promises and let the devil have his way with my thoughts that it becomes painful and the ache of death goes too deep.

I know I still have a journey on this road called grief, I know the first year and all the first events will be hard to not have here there. I know the tears will come as they have so often in the last few weeks. The difference when you have God is that while tears come you are not hopeless. Depression from an event like this has no hold on you when you focus on God. I have felt that first hand, even though I am sad I can't bring myself to cry for hours or crawl under the covers and stay in bed for hours. God has given me the gift of hope in the depths of my heart and because of that, death has no power over me! I'm so grateful for God and all that He's done for me so I can claim that power, that promise, that hope! If you're grieving a loved one and you haven't given your life over to the Lord, find Him today, reach out and begin to follow Him and I can promise the sting of death will be removed because there is Hope in Him! I will see her again and I can't stop praising Him for that promise!

I wrote that a week or two ago now and I've had to revisit it often to remind myself that He is with me. I have a tub of paperwork sitting next to me to tend to. Bills that have come in and have to be dealt with, things that have to be sent of. I have to repeat the story over and over again. It's hard to be happy when the task that lies ahead of you is so sad. It's hard to find happiness after you finish a day of making those calls and doing that paperwork. I've been asked "How I do it, how I move forward?" It isn't easy but you put one foot in front of the other and do it because you need to, because she wouldn't want me to be sad, because where my strength is no longer His takes over. Praise God for His strength, I couldn't do it without Him!