Friday, February 21

The Sinking In

The last week has been hard. My little boy was sick and I couldn't call her to tell me everything was going to be okay. 
I missed her. 
I was sick and I couldn't call her and hear her voice telling me to drink more fluids, take more vitamins.
 I missed her. 
We didn't talk every week. We'd txt but not always call. I miss hearing the sound of her voice or being able to pick up my phone and txt her the recent pic of my little boy being his usual adorable self. 
I miss her. 

I miss the sound of her voice and way she smelled. I miss being able to go back to my childhood house and always know she'll be there. I miss those moments that only we shared. I miss the way her hand felt in mine, so slender yet so strong. I brought some of her clothes home with me, they are starting to loose her smell. I knew it would happen. She didn't wear perfume often it was just the smell of her deodorant mixed with laundry soap and a little hint of her shampoo I guess. It's just the way she smelled. I know it probably sounds silly but the fact that I won't be able to smell that years from now makes me sad. I don't know where the family videos went, I don't know if we have her voice anywhere on tape. I'm praying we find it somewhere because it already feels like I'm forgetting that piece of her. I've saved journals of hers so I'll always have her handwriting, a fun mix of cursive and print...her own unique combination. I still can't stomach to say that I'm momless out loud. I can say that she died, I can explain to people all the circumstances. I can talk about her but to think that just hurts. I know I'll see her again but it's just so far away. To not be able to walk into my childhood home and find her on the couch ready to hug my little boy brings me to my knees on bad days. I'll always remember the last time I laid my head on her and she wrapped her arms around me. The last time I held her hand as we both teared up and I told her it would be okay. Those moments hurt and help at the same time. This week was tough. I know next week will probably be better, tomorrow won't be filled with as many tears. The effort it takes to move through a rough day, move through a rough week I think that's why the bug I caught is holding on so long. The emotional exhaustion of pushing forward slogging through the rough days to make it to the better ones has my body down or at least that's what it feels like. So grateful today is almost over and tomorrow will bring laughs and hugs with my family. How I miss her hugs!

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