Tuesday, April 8

Holidays Approach

The first of many is coming up and today I find my mind drifting to what those days will look like without her. I'm taking a minute now while writing this to let myself feel those things before I have to move on, move forward and stop letting myself stand still in the pain.

One more thing I've learned in all this, there is letting yourself feel, letting yourself have a moment and then there is no good letting yourself be overwhelmed by the emotion and sadness. So I take a deep breath, say a silent prayer God will shine His light on that place in my heart today and smile regardless of how I feel. Moving forward sometimes means faking it a little until your thoughts creep back into light, back into hope, back into the future with my family and less of what is lacking.

First Easter, First Mother's Day...the firsts begin...

Wednesday, April 2

He Celebrates and He Grieves At The Same Time

"Jesus loves us right now, just as we are. He isn't standing aloof, yelling at us to climb out of our pits and clean ourselves up so we can be worthy of him. He is wading waist-deep into the muck of life, weeping with the broken, rescuing the lost, and healing the sick."  - Judah Smith  Jesus Is...

God is celebrating having my mom in heaven with Him. Each person that walks through those gates is welcomed. I can only imagine the amount of joy not only in that person's heart but also in God's. The Bible states several times how much God celebrates us, with us, and for us. So to be welcoming another son or daughter home, to be able to open His arms I know there is a whole lotta joy in that time.

On the complete other end of the spectrum he grieves with those left behind. He feels our pain, our hurt, our dissapointment of knowing we won't share certain moments with them while in the moment. He feels both extreme feelings at the same time. He knows everything that our heart is going through and He never leaves our side.

While I continue to have my tearfilled moments and continue to have certain things that put knots in my throat there are two things that bring comfort and joy in the midst of the saddness.

1. Thinking of how many cool people my mom is getting to meet and get to know. Abraham, Sara, Ruth, and so many other people. Thinking about how cool it is to be at the feet of Jesus learning from Him, understanding everything in the Bible she's read through her life exactly as He meant it. When I think on this it makes me so excited for her. Honestly so excited for the time (very long from now I hope) when I'll get to do the same but this time by her side.

2. Thinking on how He knows exactly what I am feeling but also truely understands what I'm thinking. He feels it too. He's with us going through it with us. He gets it even when people in our life don't.

I am so grateful I know God, not sure I'd be able to get through this without Him.