Saturday, October 11

They'll never know her alone...

My kids will never know their Nana without my memories and my stories. They'll never have moments and experiences with her. They'll never know her without me. When the tears do come now it's in moments like this morning where I woke up crying, I woke up thinking about her. I woke up grieving her. Not because of the years I lost with her but because every picture that she's in my son doesn't know. He can pick grandma and grandpa out, he knows them and loves them and is creating memories with them. He doesn't know who my mom is in pictures. We have to stand there and tell him about her, we have to pick her out for him. He will only ever remember her through me. He had just turned one eight, 8 days before she left us. He won't remember and I didn't get pictures. It was too stressful and she was so sick looking. I don't want to remember her sick. I don't want to remember how her olive skin was turning gray. I don't want to remember how she could barely move without flinching. I don't want to remember how she didn't remember so many conversations we had close to the end so we'd have them over and over because of all the pain meds she was on. I don't want to remember how I didn't get to say goodbye one last time. I don't want to remember the last kiss was on an ever growing cold check cause she was already gone. I'm so tired of remembering those things and him not knowing anything. I so wish he could know her not just through me. Most days I'm okay and the good can shine through the pain and bad and it doesn't affect me and then there are moments like now. Where the pain in my chest is so great it feels like it's going to collapse and the tears come without any sign of slowing. This morning it's on the surface, it's raw again, and it's painful. I miss her hugs, I miss how in the moments I was upset I'd lay my head on her lap and she'd trace circles around my ear and play with my hair. It had an immediate calming effect on me. I so miss her! I so wish she'd come back to me. It was a cancer she never should have had, one she had way to young. One that is still a death sentence with very little hope of relief. I want her back.

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