Wednesday, November 19

Elephant On My Chest

It's approaching the one year mark. January 10th...the dreaded day. The day I hope to avoid and erase off the calendar. Before that I have to endure the holidays without her. While some want to crawl in bed and not wake up till things are over, my coping method is to make myself so busy I don't realize it's a certain day until it's over. Bring on pinterest and marth stewart like creations... I don't want to feel just do. It's easier when I'm so busy I don't realize. One of the many reasons we'll be doing something completely different for xmas this year. I don't want any familiarity. NONE! I have this huge internal struggle going on right now... My son's Christmas and first birthday was overshadowed in many ways by my mom being sick. I made things simple and easy because I couldn't handle much more. This year I want to make it special and yet I find myself fighting the dark cloud over my head. Trying to look at the good things, the fun things, the brighter things. Today it's just hard. I keep thinking how cool it is that my brother and I both have our first sons, first kids born in January. My mom's birthday is also in January. This year I think we'll try and celebrate them together on her birthday. Make it special, make it brighter. Meanwhile I have this elephant sitting on my chest, making me feel like it's going to cave in...the elephant's name is grief and I'm ready to shoot it, drag it off my and toss it away!